i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
