I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
