I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
