Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
