You just made me feel so damn special
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
