Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
