At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize