I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize