Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
