when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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