I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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