I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
