Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
