They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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