I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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