I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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