My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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