dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
