i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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