i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
