who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
