You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
