is your mom at the bar?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the day after is always just damage control
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
