just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
