I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize