I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
