i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
