You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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