So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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