you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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