Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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