i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
