I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
