woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
