Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
