Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
