Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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