go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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