Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize