Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
