at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
