So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
