I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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