You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
