I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
