All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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