Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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