i permit you to call me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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