this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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