i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
