Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
