The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
