morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
