Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
