You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
