Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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