clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
