Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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