I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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