First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
