sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
